April 17, 2007

Why Do Hot Dogs Eaten at a Ballpark Have No Calories?

By Paul Bieber

Last week I mentioned that this week’s blog would be why hot dogs eaten at a ballpark have no calories. The following entry really doesn’t relate to glass, but is just meant to bring a smile to your face during a busy work day. On the USGlass Forum pages there is a serious question about a personnel matter; go there to keep your business face on. Without further words, why does a hot dog eaten at the ball park have no calories?

It all started with Warren G. Harding, 29th President of the United States, 1921-1923. It has been said that he was a do-nothing President, but that’s not true. The Teapot Dome scandal, mixing oil and Presidential politics sent many of Harding’s cronies to jail and this thing with the hot dogs was accomplished.

Harding started out with a bang! He was the first President to ride to his inauguration in a motor vehicle and the first President to speak on the radio. After these two amazing accomplishments, in his first week of office, he went downhill. His party found out he was involved in an extra-marital affair and successfully sent his girlfriend out of the country with a large amount of cash. It’s nice to see that times have changed.

So, Harding needed something to pick up his approval rating and the ad agency boys decided that Harding should get involved with baseball, the all-American game. Harding was a klutz; he couldn’t even throw out a first pitch. At best he could sit in the owner’s box and eat.

This is where he got the idea…if he could find a way to make hot dogs calorie-free, the American public would love him. He called his scientific advisers but they knew of no way to make hot dogs with no calories. Harding knew that wafers eaten at communion had no calories, so he wrote a letter to Pope Benedict XV, asking to name hot dogs a religious food, thus they would have no calories. His plan was just plain stupid, but no one would tell him.

History has a way of rewarding the fool. Pope Benedict received Harding’s letter while he was ill. He knew a letter from the President is important, so he asked an aide to send Harding a copy of the rules to make something a religious food. A week later the Pope passed away.

The post office was not very efficient. The Pope’s letter to Harding arrived three months after the Pope’s death, so Harding took this as a message from the spiritual world. The steps written in the letter were ones that Harding could secretly follow, becoming the hero.

First he needed proof the sacred food could have no calories. Harding went to the 1923 opening day game carefully weighing himself before leaving the White house, ate two hot dogs, and carefully weighed himself on getting home. He had gained no weight. His miracle worked. All he had to do was prepare the documentation and he would have the new Pope declare hot dogs a religious food.

Just before leaving on a campaign trip to Seattle, Harding secretly asked his secretary, Clara Bell, to fill out the Vatican’s forms. Clara did and put them in an envelope holding them for when the President came home. Unfortunately, on this trip, Mr. Harding died. Clara Bell was grief stricken and immediately took to her bed, where she remained for three months. The new President, Calvin Coolidge, cleaned out Harding’s office, as did Coolidge’s secretary, Elaine Hastings. Elaine saw the letter, all ready to go, put a stamp on it and off it went to the Vatican.

The new Pope received the letter a month later, read it, and sent it to the archives as a prank.

Harding died believing his proof of hot dogs having no calories at a ball park was correct. He had left a letter to his son, detailing the process and how it would make Harding the greatest American President.

So, if you believe in Warren Gamaliel Harding, you now have the ability to have calorie-free hot dogs at the ball park. This is all you have to do. Order two dogs with mustard and sauerkraut; before your first bite, say “Warren G. Harding is the best President in the history of the United States,” and your hot dogs will be calorie free.

I swear that the above story is completely true, as I have eaten many hot dogs at many ballparks and have not gained any weight.