October 25, 2008

My Interview with Joe Biden

By Paul Bieber

The phone rang and the caller ID said ‘Joe Biden’. I answered and Joe said, “Great interview with Sarah–now it is my turn. Let’s get going so I can tell America, and the world, how important the glass industry is to the Democratic party, and to my hometown of Scranton, PA.” It looked like this would be an easy interview after all. Joe wanted to talk about glass…it can’t get much better.

I thanked Joe for being on the blog and threw my first question at him.

Paul: “Senator, tell me how the glass business is different in Delaware compared to Scranton.”

Joe: “Paul, that is a great question for a glass guy. Oh, not that a glass guy can’t ask a good question. I expected a question on Low-e glass, not on geography. Let me think for a minute and I will answer your question. (Pause…Pause…) OK, you see the party has asked me to count to thirty before I answer any question that I don’t know the answer to, hoping I will come up with the right answer. But, all that I do is count to thirty, and don’t think of answers.”

“Oh well, the glass industry in Delaware is different from Scranton. You see Delaware is a full state, and Scranton is just a small city in Pennsylvania. In Delaware the glass shops can cover the whole state from one location. You can’t do that in Scranton. Why it takes a full day just to get to Pittsburgh, and then after you measure the job, you have to drive a full day back to the shop to get the glass you need.”

“That’s the biggest difference between Scranton and Delaware in the glass biz.”

Paul: “Joe, thanks for clearing that up. Our next question is about low-E glass. Last week, Sarah said hard-coat was better than soft-coat. What is your opinion?”

Joe: “I am definitely a soft-coat guy. Our winters in Delaware are mild, you know, and we hardly ever get snow, so a soft-coat is just perfect for me and my family whenever we need coats. In Scranton, up in the mountains, you probably need a hard-coat to stop all of the freezing rain and sleet.”

Paul: (With a quizzical look on my face) “Joe, I think I meant which coat gives better thermal performance?”

Joe: A soft duck-down coat is best, whether you are in Delaware or Alaska.”

Paul: “Let’s move on. Who do you think is the best fabricator in the United States?”

Joe: “Paul, that is not a fair question…I didn’t do my homework on the whole country, just in the Scranton and Delaware areas. The best fabricator is Northeast Laminated Glass. These guys are true Democrats. They have hired laid-off workers, have fought the big guys, and they don’t make enough profit to qualify for the McCain tax cuts. The co-owner, a loyal Democrat named Tom Zaccone, works so hard that he doesn’t take a day off, other than to campaign for me…but wait, that isn’t the reason they are the best fabricator…there is not any politics in my answer…oh…what is the next question?”

Paul: “What other fabricators are there in Scranton or Delaware for you to compare to?”

Joe: “I looked at that Oldcastle Glass company and at Arch, and they don’t have a company in Scranton, so they can’t be very smart to miss out on the best city in America. Of course, Wilmington, Delaware is also a great city, and…you guessed it, no fabricators there make the big time. That is what makes Scranton the best city in America.”

Paul: “Joe, if Barack and you are elected, what will your program be to help the glass industry?”

Joe: “Why, that is another great question for a glass guy…Did you rehearse with Lyle Hill, the wise guy from USGlass? We would hold a hearing in the Senate to ask this very question of plumbers and glaziers named Joe (just like my name!). I am sure we will find that the employees in glass companies need better health benefits, need relief on their home mortgages, and need glass gloves that don’t smell like old sardines after a day’s work!”

“I think we will have to limit imports of glass from China and make every piece of glass in America into Solar glass that will make electricity. Why, if every picture frame in America could make energy, our problems would be solved!”

Paul: “Joe, solar glass only works in glass that gets sunlight. How would you make that work in picture frames?”

Joe: “That’s simple…we pass an environmental law that says every picture frame in America has to be hung in a window, and we have solved the entire energy future of America.”

Paul: “Thank you Joe for your time today. By the way that is a nice suit you have on. Did you buy that in Scranton or in Delaware? Joe…wait, don’t leave, just answer this one last question…Joe…oh well, he is gone.

Well, to all of you out there in Blogland, you now have the insight into our two Veep candidates so that you can make the decision who to cast your vote for. Keep thinking about this right up to the moment you pull that election lever…vote for the candidate that you feel will help the glass industry!!!