October 19, 2008

My Interview with Sarah Palin

By Paul Bieber

So, I was watching the debates and the news. I learned that Joe the Plumber isn’t exactly what the news director had ordered. It was then that I realized that neither candidate had taken a position on the glass industry and our questions—soft coat vs. hard coat, union vs. non-union labor, Viracon vs. Oldcastle Glass vs. Arch.

I sent an immediate e-mail to both campaigns asking for guidance on these key issues. An hour later, the phone rang. The Dems said to check in with them next week, but the Republicans needed every plug they could get. They sent the investigators and discovered I was not part of the liberal eastern media, and thought it would be a great chance for Governor Palin.

Here is the transcript of my interview with Governor Sarah Palin about the current state of the glass industry.

Paul: Welcome Governor Palin. It is an honor to have you visit my office in New Hampshire to discuss the glass industry.

Sarah: It is an honor to be here in a New Hampshire, which is a border state, just like my state of Alaska. Can you see Canada from your home here?

Paul: Almost—it’s only 153 miles to the border with Quebec. Sarah, what was it like when you first saw Russia? Were you looking through float glass or sheet glass up there in Alaska?

Sarah: Oh, it was a sheet of glass. In fact, it might have been one of these sheets with the vacuum in it. You know the vacuum glass that saves energy. It was a vacuum glass because there was no dust in it.

Paul: You mean insulating glass?

Sarah: Oh no, there were no pink fibers in the center, there was no insulation in the middle.

Paul: I see. Governor Palin, do you think the future is in soft-coat or hard coat low-e glass?

Sarah: Paul, I am glad you asked this question and not another question about which newspapers I read. You see, I have studied this in preparation for this interview. Moreover, as a mother and almost as a grandmother, you have to be hard with your children. You have to teach them about the hard decisions there are to make, as citizens, and that people will always be trying to trip them up. So, while I know soft-coat may give better insulation, I think we need hard coat. Everything in life will be hard and we have to teach that to our kids. Of course, we have enough oil in Alaska to make up for all of the energy wasted. If only John were to become President, then we could drill-baby-drill right in my backyard.

Paul: Uh, Governor, what is your stance on union labor requirements in the glass industry?

Sarah: I am all for the union. 150 years ago the South tried to break up the union, and I, for one, am glad they didn’t succeed. The union is very important to us in Alaska. We weren’t a state during that war, but if we were, we would have been for the union. If there is another war about the union, count on me to send the Alaska National Guard.

Paul: Governor, I meant union labor on construction work in the glass industry. Should it be required?

Sarah: Now I get it. Thanks for explaining the question. I believe every union worker should work; so should all of the regular Americans who want to work. Working is the cure for our economy. John wants to cut taxes on the rich and on my oil companies so they can spend more and hire your union workers. Of course, we will trickle our money down to all workers, and I sure hope that those union workers vote for me because I work hard too.

Paul: I see. (Pause) Now, Governor, Do you think Viracon, Oldcastle or Arch is the premier glass fabricator in the United States?

Sarah: Thanks for this question, Paul. I studied this on the drive here to New Hampshire, knowing you would ask it. On my way here, I looked out the window of my armored Suburban and saw all the pretty colors of the leaves. The reds and yellows and the oranges. In fact the oranges reminded me about pumpkins, and Halloween is coming next week, and I think all of the little ghosts and goblins coming to your door should get candy. None of this healthy stuff…this is the night for candy. If you give out what you grow, then the workers at Hershey can’t make any more chocolate bars, and they are important workers in our economy. In these tough economic times, spending money on chocolate is important. When I grew up we never had chocolate melt in our pockets…it was way too cold…but when I was 30 years old I finally came to the lower states and had my first melted chocolate bar, and it was gooey and it tasted good. If you don’t support these workers making American chocolate you are hurting our country.

Oh, where were we?

Paul: I asked you about Viracon, Oldcastle and Arch.

Sarah: Oh yeah, I studied them on the way up here. And you know what, they are all confused. One of them has only three branches, and the others have way too many. Is there really that much glass business in the Chicago area that there are so many fabricators? When I become the Veep, I will call for a summit meeting of the Chicago fabricators and help them carve up the territory so that all companies can be profitable and pay less taxes under the McCain economic plan. Then I thought why Chicago? Should there be more in New York, or Los Angeles? Or Cleveland? Of course there should. So, I agree that Arch does have the shortest name.

Paul: Sarah, you have left me speechless. Thanks for visiting me and for being on our blog, where next week we will meet Joe Biden and learn about the state of the glass industry in Scranton. After that we will go back to fraud in workers comp.