September 25, 2009

Glass Show Seminars I Would Like To See

By Paul Bieber

The big show is coming to Atlanta. I was looking over the list of seminars, and while they looked very interesting and informative, there were some I thought were missing. Since I can see the future, here are some seminars from a glass show of the future:

•How to Read the Calendar (Section I)–For Glass Shops—learn how to smudge dates on purchase orders; how to prove your fabricator was late and can be back charged; discover why your vendor’s payment terms of 30 days really equals 75.

•How to Read the Calendar (Section II)–For Fabricators—learn how to easily add a week for delivery and keep most of your customers happy; Why does saying Monday really mean Tuesday, in English and Spanish; How to blame: a) the fax machine b) the clerk you fired yesterday; 10 surefire excuses for missing delivery dates

•How to Order Chinese Glass–It Is Easier Than You Think—Pick a building owner planning to sell the building within six months, eliminating concern with impossible re-orders; prepare a press release saying you believe in the international economy for all peoples; Have the glass delivered at night in plain, unmarked crates

•A Seminar on the Many Uses for Failed IG Units—Our speaker told us he had nothing to discuss…we will reschedule this for next year

A First Timer’s Look at Tempered Shower Doors—They are so easy that any glazier can do them; Why the phrase “out-of-square” means nothing; How to measure doors to a 1/4″ tolerance; How to order a Mickey Mouse notch without out the need for the Goofy drawings; 5 ways to place your own tempered logo on annealed glass

•A Presentation on Sexist and Racist Jokes That Are Acceptable in Every Glass Shop—Our presenter will tell you how to offend everyone without breaking the law; Why sexist jokes work better with props; Telling racist jokes in multiple languages

•How Smoking Pot on the Job Will Help You Lift Those Heavy IG Units—(There is an additional $20 fee for the hands-on section of this seminar) Smoking pot gives you super-human feelings…How to channel this energy to productive work; Sharing the good stuff so every one can work at the same pace; The timing of giving pot to your customers…before the final inspection or with the presentation of the invoice; Discover the list of employers who don’t drug test

•Fashions of the Glass Worker—10 different blue jean styles that will show the top of your butt; Wearing T-shirts with foul language and obscene pictures actually makes you feel better; Why changing your clothes at least once a week will be good for business

•Why the Wage and Hour Laws Don’t Apply to You—Paying taxes restricts your rights; Overtime laws are for sissies; The proper amounts to offer as bribes for various situations