January 23, 2010

I Want a Do-Over with Conan’s Lawyer

By Paul Bieber

Conan O’Brien was given somewhere around $35,000,000 to retire from the NBC Tonight Show. He worked there seven months and worked on The Late Show for fifteen years. He can’t work in the industry for seven months.

In 2005, I retired from Oldcastle Glass in Hauppauge, NY; they honored my contract perfectly, and were above board on everything. Nonetheless, I want a do-over.

Everyone is entitled to one do over in his or her life. Some people take it early, when they try to say they were safe sliding into second base. Other guys, maybe on their first date, want to retry their first kiss. Once you use your do-over, it is gone. You can’t get extras, and you can’t buy someone else’s on ebay. When I played little league, I was such a slow runner that I knew I was out at second. My first kiss, with a girl named Mollie, was so bad, rather than doing over, I would prefer just to forget it forever.

So, here I am. I still have my do over. There is a classic ‘Twilight Zone’ first aired on October 18, 1963, called “A Kind Of A Stopwatch”, that allows a man in a bar to stop time. He ends up driving himself crazy, because when he stops time, he has no one to talk to. I promise not to drive myself crazy.

I promise not to change history. All I want is the stopwatch and Conan’s lawyer.

Let’s look at the facts. I worked for Floral Glass and Mirror for twenty years, which is five years longer than Conan worked on The Late Show. When Oldcastle Glass purchased our company, I stayed for one year during the transition, which is 40% longer than Conan worked on the Tonight Show. I stayed out of the glass industry for one year, again 40% longer than Conan will have to. Where is the parity here? I want my do-over to renegotiate my contract with Oldcastle Glass.

I know that this is very fair, and I am sure, that upon reading this column, the leadership of Oldcastle Glass will gladly ante up the extra tens of millions to accommodate my do-over.