November 15, 2010

Drugs for the Glass Industry

By Paul Bieber

Here I was in Atlanta, having dinner with my best friend Chuck Kaplanek, and he asked me about the health of the glass business. I told him that our industry is indeed sick and weak. He off-handidly commented, “It’s a shame we can’t sell drugs to help the industry.”

I remembered his comment and when I returned to my hotel, I did a computer search for drugs to help the glass industry. Here is what I found….

  • UValium—taken to calm down contract glaziers when an architect specifies soft-coat performance but prices the estimate at hard-coat pricing.
  • Glassacillin—prescribed to prevent infection when your best customer puts a knife in your back.
  • Glazierproxine—works on the stubborn heartburn you get when your lead glazier won’t work overtime to finish a project.
  • Lamitrine—a proven headache pain reducer that you often get when the bullet-resistant glass you ordered comes in one inch too large.
  • Oshaphetamine—reduces rapid heart beat and excessive sweating condition after a shop worker gets a three-stitch cut and wants to call his lawyer and OSHA.
  • Arefactorine—a very strong stress reliever that can be used after studying charts with very small print size and confusing directions on how to read the chart.
  • Tempofane—reduces your back pain after installing an over sized light of tempered glass, only to have it shatter when you place the final stop.
  • Floataproz—reduces high blood pressure when you receive the latest round of price increases.
  • Fenestrataphine—cures blurry vision caused by looking at microscopic defects in glass on the third floor of a building that can only be seen on a sunny day around 4 p.m.
  • Closercet—taken by door mechanics to alleviate the arthritis pain caused by adjusting the same closer three times a week for a fussy customer.
  • Measureprostinate—glass shop owners take this medicine to prevent their hands from shaking and trembling when they find that their glaziers measured an opening with a worn out tape measure that is 1/4″ short.
  • Alumocodeine—an addictive pain medicine to be used when your shop crew cuts all the miters backwards on a big job.
  • Driveroxorine—an over the counter drug, usually taken as a stress reliever by glass truck drivers given the wrong directions to a job site.
  • Viagraset—relieves depression when failing to set an IG unit on the third floor of a building because your lift only goes to the second floor.
  • Worldseriesium—taken once a year by over three million Chicago Cubs fans as an anxiety reliever. Paid for by most insurance companies as a medical necessity. Also desperately needed by New York Mets fans and available on the street in Times Square.