December 19, 2011

And the Phone Didn’t Ring Again

By Paul Bieber

A couple of months back, after the Boston Red Sox lost their manager and general manager, I sent a note to the owners that I was available for either position.

The phone didn’t ring.

OK, I lived through it, saddened, but still able to function. On Sunday night opportunity reared its head again. I was ready. I could do it. Here’s why:

Kim Jung Il, the exalted leader of North Korea died of a massive heart attack. Now, most people around the world are OK with this. But I saw opportunity. I wrote a note to the People’s Congress laying out my credentials to take over North Korea, and my plan to improve the whole country.

First, I told them about my time as a baseball coach, bringing different teams together. We would battle on the fields, but afterwards, we would still be friends. This proved my ability to be tough, yet still maintain a friendly leadership role.

Then I told them about my business career. I managed a company of 250 workers, who spoke many languages, and was able to communicate with all of them. I described going to Glass Trade Shows, which was kind of like going to a session of the UN. You want to stand out in the crowd, drawing people to your side.

Then came my master plan. I would take over North Korea, and manage it like a business. My prediction is that we would be profitable in two years. And then, we would do the plan’s finale. General Electric is, to me, the most successful company around. They take good care of their people, give great medical insurance, and do a superb job of training leaders.

My plan then, was to let GE buy North Korea as a new business unit. All of the citizens would immediately go on their medical insurance plan, and all would get sick time and two weeks vacation. Their lives would be immeasurably improved. GE is a multi-national corporation, so they would have an easy time integrating North Korea into the conglomerate. The army there would slowly become workers on a world-wide solar and wind energy project. The nuclear bombs North Korea owns would be used in power plants.

GE would get rich owning its own country, everyone would come out ahead, and as the ruling leader, I would get stock options. It doesn’t get better than this.

Alas, the phone didn’t ring this morning, and a twenty-nine year old kid was handed the title “The Great Successor”. I bet he didn’t get any stock options.