January 28, 2014

I Really Am Innocent—Honest

By Paul Bieber

I’ve had a bad back for the last 30 years.  A couple of operations, physical therapy and the wonders of modern pharmaceuticals keep me going.  Most nights my best friends are Elaine, my dog Molly, and a small bottle from Walgreen’s.  This allows me a good night’s sleep, but when I slowly awake, I am drowsy and not really with it for a few minutes.  When I first wake up, I grab the TV remote, turn on CNN, and roll over for a few more minutes of sleep.  This is where my dream started last Thursday.

I dreamt that I was driving a Lamborghini sports car and that I had been arrested.  Deep down I knew this could not have happened because I wouldn’t even fit in a Lamborghini.  But yet CNN kept telling me this happened.  I was in Miami Beach and now I was in jail.  I tried to wake up, but since I was awake in a Miami jail, how could I be sleeping in New Hampshire?  I kept hearing “Bieber is arrested in Miami after drag racing in a yellow sports car.”  And then, “How could Bieber be wasting his talent and life like this?” 

Now, I don’t think I am wasting my life, (except lately when rooting for the Mets) and for sure my talent is writing, and since you are reading this blog, my time writing is not wasted!  So, why did I have this dream?  The next part of the dream had me being deported to Canada.  Now I like Canada as a country, and most importantly, the Canadian people as a whole are friendly and welcoming.  I think Toronto is one of the gems of the world.  But deported there?

“Bieber is a reckless kid”, “Bieber is letting his fans down”, and finally, “Bieber made 54 million dollars last year”.  Now, I knew I was awake enough to know I was dreaming, because I only made 35 million last year.  Finally the fog lifted and the TV news was all about my long-lost very distant cousin, Justin.

Actually, I liked the part of the dream where I was driving the Lamborghini.

(We’ll get back to business next week.)