August 20, 2018

Take Five Minutes Out of Your Day and Laugh

By Paul Bieber

If you remember Bud Abbott and Lou Costello with their interactive “Who’s on First” routine, then try to imagine them today doing the same thing, but about computers.

Hello, this is Bud at the Ultimate Computer Store. Can I help you?

Yes, this is Lou and I’m setting up a home office in the den, and I’m thinking of buying a computer.


No, the name is Lou.

Your computer?

I don’t own a computer. I want to buy one.


I told you, my name is Lou.

What about Windows?

Why, does it get stuffy?

Do you want a computer with Windows?

I don’t know. What do I see when I look out the windows?


Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

Software that runs on Windows?

No, on the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses; you know, run a business. What have you got?


Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

I just did.

You just did what?

Recommended something.

You recommended something?


For my office?


Okay, what did you recommend for my office?


Yes, for my office.

Office for Windows.

I already have an office and it already has windows! Let’s say I am sitting at my computer, and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?


If I’m writing a proposal, I’m going to need lots of words. But what program do I load?


What word?

The word in Office.

The only word in office is office.

The Word in Office for Windows.

Which word in “office for windows?”

The Word you get when you click the blue W.

I’m going to click your big W if you don’t give me a straight answer. Let’s forget about words for a minute. What do I need if I want to watch a movie over the internet?


Maybe a real movie, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. But what do I need to watch it?


If it’s a long move, I’ll also want to watch reels two, three and four. Can I watch reel four?

Of course.

Great! With what?


Okay, so I’m sitting at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?

You click the blue 1.

I click the blue one what?

The blue 1.

Is that different from the blue W?

Of course it is.

The blue 1 is RealOne. The blue W is Word.

What word?

The Word in Office for Windows.

But there’s three words in “office for windows!”

NO, just one. But it is the most popular Word in the world.

It is?

Yes, although to be fair there aren’t many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words.

And that word is the real one?


RealOne has nothing to do with Word. RealOne isn’t even part of Office.

Never mind; I don’t want to get started with that again. But I also need something for bank accounts, loans and so on. What do you have to help me track my money?


That’s right. What do you have?


I need money to track my Money?

No, not really. It comes bundled with your computer.

What comes bundled with my computer?


Money comes bundled with my computer?

Exactly. No extra charge.

I get a bundle of money with my computer at no extra charge? How much money do I get?

Just one copy.

I get a copy of money. Isn’t that illegal?

No. We have a license from Microsoft to make copies of Money.

Microsoft can license you to make money?

Why not. They own it.

Well, it’s great that I’m going to get free money, but I’ll still need to track it. Do you have anything for managing your money?

Managing Your Money? That program disappeared years ago.

Well, what do we sell in its place?


You sell money?

Of course. But if you buy a computer from us, you get it free.